RETROSPECULATIVE TV: Quark: “May The Source Be With You” (Episode 2)

As we’ve discussed before, there’s a difference between a “Pilot” episode and a mere “First” episode. “Pilots” are an example made to talk a network into buying a show. A “First” is when the show was already purchased based on a pitch, and there was no need to show the suits an example beforehand. For instance, the first episode of the original Battlestar Galactica wasn’t a Pilot, they’d already agreed to do the series. The Miniseries that started the RDM Battlestar Galactica *was* a pilot, however, in that the network hadn’t decided to green light the series at that time, and made their decision based on ratings.
So how can you tell the difference between a “Pilot” and a “First Episode?” Simple: If there’s no substantive difference between episodes #1 and #2, it’s a First. If there’s been a whole lot of changes in cast, premise, sets, and style between the first and second eps, the first was undoubtedly a pilot.
We’ve got a lot of changes here:
Firstly, Dr. O.B. Mudd is gone without a word of explanation. He’s been replaced as science officer by “Ficus Panderotta,” an alien “Vegeton,” a plant who happens to look exactly like a human by an amazing biological coincidence called “Low Budget.” Given that he’s not an animal, he’s entirely logical, emotionless, fearless, and vaguely annoying. He’s also, of course, very smart. An obvious riff on Spock, he’s played by the late Richard Kelton, and you know what? He’s actually pretty funny! He’s dry, he’s got the stoicism thing knocked, he doesn’t try to milk it for laughs, and unlike the rest of the cast, one gets the feeling Kelton was actually familiar with what he was parodying, whereas the others appear to be mostly faking it. He’s given fairly little to do in this episode, mostly rattle off pseudoscientific nonsense, and the writing is fairly bad, but he does a really solid job with it. There’s a couple scenes of Quark and Ficus arguing over the superiority of humans versus plants, a’la McCoy and Spock. None of these are amazingly funny, but whereas it’s never resolved in Trek, they make a point of conspicuously winning all these arguments here, generally as a setup for some self-deprecating comment from Quark himself: “I’ve just argued love with a plant, and lost.”
The opening credits are much different - and better .The uniforms are all slightly different. The Bettys are still in ridiculously revealing disco clothes - High heeled shoes, tight short shorts, long-sleeved low-cut jacket with no shirt, but now they’ve added a flashy and pointless racing stripe down the left side. Also…uhm…at risk of sounding indelicate…ehm…their bosoms aren’t quite as in-your-face as they were in the pilot. This can only be regarded as a mistake. They’re still oddly sexless, however, and one of them is still a much worse actress than the other one.
Gene/Jean is still gay half the time (But only half) and they make a point of calling him an “Emotional Transmute” to explain there’s a wiring change, but not a plumbing one, rather than just a “Transmute” like last time out. In the pilot, he affected a girly tone of voice as “Jean,” but here they’ve had a woman re-dub his lines. It’s a little distracting, and not quite as funny, actually. He’s a bit less of the prancing sissymary this time out. There’s a bit of that, but they aren’t laying it on thick like the first time out. I dunno if the network was uncomfortable with it, or if they just decided to use it sparingly, but I feel like they missed a lot of really funny gags this time out because of the decision. Gene’s got a whole lot of fight scenes, all of which are fairly dull, but which would be pretty hysterical if he was mincing around, shrieking in his girl voice, or maybe knocking out the bad guys by hitting them with his purse (Not that either Gene or Jean carry a purse, but you know what I mean). By playing these scenes straight (in both senses of the word), it’s all kind of ‘meh.’
Andy the Android (Get it?) has been given hands, and is more front-and-center in the story. He’s specifically a coward now, and mentions that Quark built him himself, whereas last time out we’re told Mudd built him by himself. Oh, and he’s got fingers now. The Head’s appearance has been changed considerably.
The sets have been modified - the windows in the front are larger and closer together, Quark’s control station is now on a desk in the middle of the control room, rather than on the front wall. We also see this on Man From Atlantis, Space: 1999, and Battlestar Galactica, which were made around the same time, and as late as the second season of Buck Rogers. I’m assuming this kind of aesthetic was part of the zeitgeist of the time. Or maybe they just Captain Kirk looked a bit naked all alone there in the middle of the bridge all those years back, clearly not doing anything. Slap a desk with flashing lights in front of him, and it instantly looks like he’s working. A door has been added to the rear of the control room, and Ficus has a science console up there now. In the lower set, there’s a ladder leading up to the control room, and that’s about it, really.
So: substantive changes. But how was the story?
Not bad, really. An obvious riff on Star Wars (Right down to the music), it suffered from typically anemic 1970s pacing and cinematography, and most of the gags didn’t have quite the punch they should have had (Oddly, they don’t run the laugh track through all the gags, almost as if the sound guy wasn’t quite sure they were gags), but it was much funnier than the first episode.
In short: The evil and hated Gorgons - under their ruler Felix Silva (The poor man’s Michael Ansara) - have a massive new weapon, with which they intend to take over the galaxy. It’s the size of a planet, and shaped like a person’s head, wearing a helmet. It’s so terrifying that enemies capitulate at the mere sight of it:
Silva: “This is the high Gorgon. Surrender, and you will be treated with kindness, compassion, and patience. You have twenty seconds to surrender, or we’ll destroy your planet.”
Spartan: “We are the Spartans. We do not fear you. Forces more powerful than you have tried to defeat us, and we have beaten all of them.”
Silva: “I suggest you take a closer look at our ship.”
Spartan: “Ship? What ship? All we see is a large maroon planet drifting by.”
Silva: “That is our ship.”
Spartan: “Just give us a couple minutes to get our stuff out of the palace, ok?”
Everyone freaks out on Perma One, and they evacuate the base. Several commanders (Including a woman named “Estro!”) are given different assignments, and Quark is sent off to defeat the Gorgons with just his garbage scow, and “The Source.”
“The Source” (Voiced by Hans Conreid) is a semi-omniscient supernatural entity that has serious self esteem problems. He hasn’t been used in 200 years, and though his powers get better the more people believe in him, he really doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. He continually promises to do things, but fails. He’s continually giving people instructions, but is very sloppy with the specifics - “Turn right! No, I mean left!” - and he’s very whiney and continually begging for approval. Whenever things go wrong, he blames it entirely on other people’s lack of faith. Then, when things go right, he takes credit for everything, and won’t shut up about how great he is. This is genuinely funny, but it never plays quite right as the actors are forced to react to lines from an actor they can’t see. The final scene, however, where The Source gets frightened when Quark tries to put him to bed, and blurts out “I love you” in an unexpected and vulnerable way is really touching.
So Quark and his garbage scow intercept the Gorgon ship, and are brought aboard. They escape the ship, leaving Andy behind to pretend he runs the thing all by himself, and set out to destroy it, with The Source incompetently guiding them. They get in a fight with Gorgon guards, and Gene/Jean gets separated from the rest. The team gets whittled down, bit by bit, with Quark telling the Bettys to call Perma One on a public videophone and report in (They get put on hold), and Ficus getting captured. Eventually he makes it to the Power Core, which is in a fire-filled room at the end of a tiny balance-beam of a catwalk above a creature that “Will eat your head” if you fall. Unfortunately, Quark can’t blow the power core because The Source forgot to tell him to bring a bomb along.
Quark gets blinded in a firefight, but manages to rescue Ficus (Who’s being tortured under a heat lamp) with The Source’s assistance. Any escapes from his torturers more-or-less by accident, then has an unexpected attack of courage (“I can’t believe I’m doing this! Geronimo!”) that saves Quark and Ficus. Afterwards he won’t shut up about it: “Did I ever tell you about the time I charged ten Gorgons?” “Did I ever tell you about the time I charged twenty Gorgons?” Etc. Ficus decides to build a bomb to take out the power core, and they set about doing that.
Meanwhile, back on Perma One, realizing defeat is unavoidable, Palindrome informs The Head that he’s got a ship ready, stocked with hookers and good food, and the two of them can get away. The Head refuses to leave, so Palindrome starts in on him, ranting about bad decisions and how none of The Head’s brainpower matters now.
The Head: “I order you to stop talking!”
Palindrome: “Or what? Were are your guards, your officers? They’re all gone! What are you going to do? Bite me?”
The Bettys inexplicably decide to pretend they don’t know each other, and one of them - the better actress of the two - starts speaking in Spanish to further the pointless illusion. A big line of people waiting to use the payphone forms behind them. Eventually they get through, but they need privacy, so the worse-acting of the two Bettys distracts the crowd by bending over so her short shorts ride up, and saying “Oh, the heel on my boot is loose” which causes the crowd to erupt in catcalls and wolf-whistles.
Quark and Ficus plant the bomb and beat a hasty retreat, reuniting the team - excepting Gene/Jean - as they go. Gene eventually turns up, all battered and bruised, and then the High Gorgon Himself (Silva) attacks Quark. Quark escapes, the ship escapes, the Gorgon supership does not escape, and explodes, and then they get a message from Silva saying he escaped, and will exact his revenge on a clearly-frightened Quark.
Back at the station, The Head offers Quark his own starship, and Quark wants to take his crew along. “Nope, just you.” With all due respect, sir, if I can’t take my crew along, I’m not going. “Oh, very well then.”
The End.
Richard Benjamin is a lot more Richard Benjamin-like here, which is a good thing. It’s playing to his strengths, though the voiceovers have him mugging for the camera more than is really serviceable. The bickering between The Head and Palindrome isn’t nearly as funny as when they were bickering about money. They introduce a Cousin Itt-wannabe alien named “Dink” that jumps out at me for some reason. Do we see him again later? Dunno. My memories of Dink are as fuzzy as Dink himself is.
We get a little world building: The Head has been in charge for 200 years. The United Galaxy has been in existence 211 years. The Source was last used in an uprising involving the Gorgons 200 years back. We get a walkthrough of the Perma One control room that we only glimpsed last time. It’s got lots of pointless, fake flashing-light consoles, including one that’s a dead ringer for the TARDIS console from the 80s, only without the central plunger dealie.
The High Gorgon is missing a hand. He’s got a stump capped by a threaded bit that he can screw tools and weapons into. The only really funny useage of this is when he attaches a fake hand so he can scratch his chin.
There’s a concerted effort to give everyone more to do this time out, for which I’m quite grateful.
So: bottom line: Better, but still pretty great, still not a laugh-a-minute, still kinda’ hambone and sort of playing to dopes.
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